When Emotions Weren’t Welcome: Growing Up in an Emotionally Restrictive Family
A Guide for Exploring Your Emotional Landscape in Adulthood
“Nothing bad ever happened. My childhood was fine.”
Growing up in a loving family that discouraged difficult emotions can be confusing. On the surface, everything seemed "fine"—maybe even perfect. But under the surface, you may now find yourself struggling with emotions, boundaries, or relationships in ways that are hard to explain.
This blog post can help you understand how emotional patterns in your childhood may have shaped your inner world—and how healing is possible.
Common Messages in Emotionally Restrictive Homes
Without meaning harm, some well-intentioned and caring families can teach children:
“Buck up. Don’t be sad—you have so much to be thankful for.”
“Don’t be angry—just let it go.”
“We don’t talk about those things. Focus on the positive.”
“Be good. Be grateful. Be strong.”
Over time, these messages can lead to the belief that emotions—especially difficult ones—are bad, selfish, or unhealthy. Perceived “negative” emotions, like sadness, fear, nervousness, anger, and grief, are discouraged. Certain emotions are regarded as inconvenient or even inappropriate. This can be invalidating and lead to emotional suppression.
How This Affects You Now
What You May Have Learned:
Emotions should be hidden or avoided
Being “good” means not upsetting others
Gratitude should cancel out pain
Others’ needs come first
Vulnerability isn’t safe
How It May Show Up:
You suppress feelings until they spill out or feel overwhelming, consuming
You people-please or avoid conflict, even at your own expense
You feel guilty for feeling unhappy, struggling or needing support
You overfunction or take emotional responsibility for others
You struggle to ask for help or let people in emotionally
Where Did Your Feelings Go?
When feelings like anger, grief, or fear weren’t allowed space in childhood, they didn’t disappear—they just went underground.
Emotional dismissal or suppression in childhood may lead to difficulty regulating emotions in adulthood (Gottman, Katz & Hoovman, 1997), particularly when faced with prolonged stress. Emotional dysregulation can prevent us from maintaining a ventral vagal response (flexibility, adaptability, range of healthy emotional expression) (Porges, 2011). Instead, you might now experience:
Tension, anxiety, or panic (from unexpressed emotion building up)
Emotional numbness or confusion (not knowing what you feel or difficulty identifying emotions)
Somatic symptoms like headaches, fatigue, chronic pain or GI issues
Difficulty with emotional intimacy, vulnerability or sharing your inner world
Our bodies are truly wise. Look at what it’s trying to tell you.
The Good News: These Traits Also Speak to Your Strengths
Our behavioural traits are often adaptive. This means that you learned to cope in the situations and environment that you were exposed to. These coping behaviours serve you very well in certain circumstances. You likely developed some powerful qualities:
Empathy – You’re compassionate and sensitive to others’ feelings
Reliability – You’re dependable and conscientious
Resilience – You’ve adapted and kept going, especially when facing adversity
Calm under pressure – You learned to keep it together in tough moments
These are strengths! —but like most human behaviour, there is a time and a place. They don’t have to come at the cost of your emotional aliveness.
It’s Not Too Late to Reclaim Your Feelings
Healing isn’t about blaming your family — we all do the best with the tools that we have at the time. This is about meeting your full self , and your capacity for breadth and depth of emotion, with self-compassion.
You can begin to:
Name and validate your feelings without shame
Learn that emotions are messages, not threats
Set boundaries without guilt
Feel safe in your body and relationships
Make space for your full humanity—not just the “good” parts
Try This: An Emotional Grounding Practice
This mindful self-compassion practice combines gentle physical grounding with emotionally supportive language. It’s especially helpful when you’re feeling overwhelmed, shut down, or self-critical.
Step 1: Pause & Notice
Find a quiet moment. Place a hand on your heart, or anywhere on your body that feels comforting (like your belly, cheek, or crossed arms). Let your body feel the warmth and gentle pressure of your hands.
Take one slow, deep breath (counts of 4 seconds are helpful). Let your exhale be a little longer than your inhale. Repeat 2 or 3 more times.
Step 2: Name What You’re Feeling
You don’t have to describe it exactly right. Just name it gently:
“This is sadness.”
“This is tension.”
“This is a tight, overwhelmed feeling in my chest.” Etc.
Step 3: Offer Yourself a Compassionate Phrase
Choose one that feels true for you. Some options:
“This is hard, and I’m allowed to feel it.”
“I’m doing the best I can.”
“May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
“Even this part of me is welcome.”
Say it slowly. If you find this difficult, try to imagine yourself as if speaking to a dear friend.
Why this Helps
This simple practice,
Activates the caregiving system in your nervous system (linked to oxytocin and safety), and helps to bring it back to a more regulated state
Helps bring awareness and warmth to emotional pain without judgment
Over time, gently helps rewire the old “I’m not allowed to feel this” message
You can return to this practice any time you need to anchor yourself. The goal isn’t to “fix” your feelings—it’s to be with them kindly, one breath at a time.
Want to go further? Feel free to book a complimentary consult using the contact button below.
Final Thoughts
When you had to stay calm or quiet to keep the peace or to keep your important relationships happy and stable, your nervous system adapted by staying in a protective mode. Now, we get to show it that it’s safe to feel - all of it.
You didn’t choose the rules of your early emotional environment—but you can choose to relate to your emotions differently now. Feeling deeply is not a weakness—it’s the doorway to wholeness.
What emotions did you learn weren’t welcome or weren’t easily accepted in your home growing up? What might it be like to welcome them now?
